Can You Grieve Someone Who Is Still Alive?

Stacey: episode of U Grow Girl Podcast, and I'm your host, Stacey C. And episode is just me and girl. No guests, just us. And honestly, I think this topic deserves exactly that: a quiet, honest, one-on-one conversation. But before I into this, I just want to say that I have not recorded any episodes lately because life has just been lifeing. And I've some health issues and things. And now I am back and we are going to be having more frequent episodes. Okay. I have a lot planned. But let's get back into the topic that I have to discuss today. Today, we are talking about a kind of grief that does not get acknowledged honestly does not get named. We're talking about the grief of losing someone who is still alive. Now, before you think, Stacey, nobody died, stay me. Because this is not about death. This is about exchanged parents, friendships that quietly faded or ended out of nowhere, relationships that changed or disappeared completely, even though the person is still very much walking around on this earth somewhere. There is no funeral for this kind of loss. No casserole dishes show up at your door. Nobody sends flowers when your childhood best friend stops responding, or when a parent becomes someone, you have to grieve while they're still living. But the grief is real. And today we are given space where it deserves. We are also going to talk about the other side of this: to actually maintain the friendships worth keeping. Because holding on to good ones takes just as much intentionality letting go of the ⁓ that were all Grab whatever you're sipping on today, coffee, water, tea, because this one might hit close to home. I know it does for me. Let's get into it. Let's start by naming this thing because I do not think most people even realize that this is a real form of grief. So, what does it actually mean to grieve someone who is still alive? I think a lot of us have felt it because we have never had a word for it. We have been never given ourselves permission to grieve because the person is still here, still breathing, still posting on Instagram, but we are grieving them. And I think that is what part of why this type of loss gets a so little recognition compared to traditional grief. When someone dies, the world stops. People show up, the grief is visible, and it is validated. But when a friendship fades, when you stop speaking to a parent, when a relationship just quietly ends, nobody says, I'm sorry for your loss. No one brings you food, you just carry it. I want to ask, and I really want you to sit with this as you listen. Have you ever experienced this type of grief? A parent you no longer speak to, a best friend who is now a stranger, a relationship where the person is still alive, but the version of them you loved is gone? If so, I want you to know your grief is valid. Even without a death certificate, even without a funeral, even without anyone else understanding it. Here is what makes this grief so different from losing someone in death. In some ways, so much harder. When someone dies, there's a finality to it. It is devastating, but it's final. this kind of grief, you're living in a constant in-between. You do not know if it's permanent. There's always door that could potentially open, and that hope, as beautiful as it sounds, can actually keep you from healing. you're never fully able to close the chapter. The not knowing, the hope that lingers, the lack of closure, that is what makes this special kind, a specific kind of grief so confusing and so exhausting to carry. Now I want to talk about one of the hardest versions of this, and that's family estrangement. Family estrangement. Just saying those two words out loud feels heavy. I know for me, I've personally experienced this. And yet it is more common than what we talk about. There are so many people navigating this quietly, feeling like they're the only ones, feeling like something must be wrong with them for not having a relationship with a parent. are so many reasons why people find themselves estranged from a parent. It could be abuse, physical, emotional, sexual, addiction, narcissism. Abandonment, childhood trauma that was never addressed, toxic patterns that have followed you into adulthood. For some people, estrangement not a choice that they made. It was a choice made for them by the parents' behavior. For others, it was the hardest and most intentional decision that they ever made in order to protect their peace and healing. Now, before I continue, I just want to get a little personal. I was estranged from my father. at time it wasn't really ⁓ a decision for It was like I just stated to protect my peace. I'm not gonna into the specifics of what happened and why I stopped speaking to my father, but It was a choice that I made for me to protect my peace. And you know, no one tells you that when you go no contact low contact with a parent, you do not stop loving them. And know, you can love people from afar. You grieve them every birthday, every Mother's Day or Father's Day, every holiday where their absence sits at a table, every milestone that they are not there for. You grieve the parent you deserved and never had right along. Aside the parent you are choosing to no longer be in a relationship with. And on top of that, of carrying that grief, you often have to carry other people's opinion about your choice. Why don't you just forgive them? That's still your mother. That's still your father. Family is family. Now, before I continue on to go back to my personal story, that was something that would hear sometimes from family or other people. That's still your father. and he also, was missed at certain occasions. for my daughter graduated from high and, you know, his wasn't there because again, you know, she had her own relationship with my father. and that was hard, you know, to ⁓ that he was no longer there. But yet we had to keep we had to keep the distance because it was important for our peace of mind and our mental health to not have him there. And you know, people will try to guilt you into accepting the why you may have chosen to no longer talk to ⁓ or engage a parent. and you know, also family, you know, and that's a I got that's another story. But I want to clearly to anyone that's heard those things, you do not owe anyone an explanation for choosing your peace. contact is abandonment. It is protection. And I can tell you with absolute certainty that is what I felt and that's what I needed at that particular time in my life. Holidays and family events, ⁓ you like I spoke about the ⁓ it wasn't a family event, but it was event for daughter, are genuinely one the hardest parts of the estrangement because you either show up And you have to manage the tension or you stay away and spend the day managing other people's questions about why you were not there. Neither option is easy. And I think the most honest thing I can say is you need to give yourself grace in that season. Whatever you choose to do, do it for you and not for appearances. Now, I'm also going to talk about because right now you know mostly speaking about parent estrangement. I also had to be a I guess you can call it estranged from a family member. I'm not gonna say their name, of course. but it some things said about me on social media that was very disrespectful. and I will preface this and say that since then me and this family have both apologized to whatever wrongs or that we may have done to each other or whatever offenses and things. And I'm sure, just like I have, moved on, but For the sake of this conversation, I'm going to speak my truth. you know, estranged this family member. It was kind of close family member. And ⁓ I heard at that time in my life, from other family, like, this your family, and and y'all need to work it out and things of that matter. And, you know, at that particular time in my life, I didn't have the vocabulary to understand what was happening, you know, that this estrangement needed to happen. Now what I will say this, though we may have apologized to each other and we have moved past that, I'm never gonna break bread with that person. Ever in my life. That person is not someone, you know, even, you know, your family, I guess you could be have like a friendship or whatever, but that person not somebody who I feel like holds me in value and me. that if that family is going to be at an event, I just rather not go. Cause I'm not going to be there in this tension, you know. so and I'd rather not make it uncomfortable for everybody else either. But I just feel like, you know, for my own sake of mind and peace, I'm gonna stay home. And me that family member, you know, again have no reason to be around each other. I wish that member well. I hope that family member wishes me well. But you know, at this point in my life, especially being, you know, almost fifty a few years, you know, I I value peace over over anything. So, you know, I would prefer just not to participate. in being around that family. You know, but I can say our family d dynamics have changed now that ⁓ don't really have a of family events. So I guess that's like a a blessing in sense that I don't have to be ⁓ around that but you know again, like I said, you don't have to do that. You know, you can give yourself grace if you choose peace. and and your peace of mind over you know going to a family event and things and there there being tension like don't go you know ⁓ and don't beat yourself up about it because you know you're protecting you now I want to address something that I think holds ⁓ a of people back from healing the question of reconciliation is it the goal should it always be the goal I do not believe so. Now I can say that with the family members that I, you know, were estranged from for a while, especially my father. early in our my relationship with my father, I would have thought, yes, you know, I want some reconciliation. But, you know, my father is deceased, so it's not like he can go and say, Hey, I didn't say this, but once we were having a conversation and it had nothing to do with ⁓ entrangement, and I was telling him, you know, you need to change your ways. I'm just gonna be honest, ⁓ and you know, a lot of people can vouch for this my father was not the nicest person all the time, you know. I know people have flaws. and I said you need to change. And he looked me in my eye and told me he was not going to change. So I chose to do what Dr. Maya Angelo said ⁓ and was to believe him. So I knew there was gonna never ever be any reconciliation unless he did change. ⁓ with the other family member it's you know, it was like no, that's okay. 'Cause I felt like what had transpired had really crossed the line. and I wasn't looking for a reconciliation. but I did want peace. And I believe reconciliation requires real change. You know, I think it re it requires real accountability and real safety. and if those things are not present, moving forward without reconciliation is not giving up. It's choosing you. Now, the person ⁓ listening now who feels guilty for grieving a parent who is still alive, please hear me. You are allowed to grieve the parent you needed, the relationship you deserve. The childhood that should have been different. All of those things deserves to be mourn, even while that person is alive. Grief is not reserved just for death. Now let's talk about something almost person listening has experienced, including me. And that's losing a friendship. Friendship loss. Whew. I This is one of the most underestimated forms of grief out there. Because when we talk about romantic breakups, we talk about divorce, we talk about the end of relationships with romantic partners, but friendship breakups, we act like they should not hurt that much. Like we should just move on. Like there are plenty of other friends out there. But if you have ever lost a close friendship, now I mean A real one. You're a ride or die person, a person who knew all your secrets and all of your stories. You know it can hurt just as deeply as any romantic relationship ending. Sometimes even more. friendships, they end in so many different ways. There is a dramatic blow up, the big fight, the things you said that you cannot take back, the block numbers. I'm laughing because you know, I experienced this too. So I can relate to that. And then there is the slow fade the text that gets shorter, the plans that keep getting canceled, the increase in silence until one day you re realize that you haven't spoken in months, and neither of you have reached out to change that. I think the slow fade is actually harder to process because there is no moment to point to it, no conversation to replay, just the quiet, slow, quiet of something that used to be everything. Now, how do you know when a friendship has run its natural course versus when it's worth fighting to repair? I think about this one a lot, and here's what I have come to some friendships are seasonal. And now we have probably watched Tyler Perry's Madea and talk about how relationships and people are in life for a reason in a season. Now, when I had my in, you I'd always that cliche and I didn't understand it. And When that happened in my life, because this person was a real close personal friend that they were someone I called my family. So they were framily. I was like, okay, I understand now. I understand how, you know, you're the the tree you have friends who are leaves, you know, friends who are branches. and I that in my life and I'm, you know, and it and it hurts. It did hurt because I thought that this friend was not even a branch but a root. Cause they were like family. But you know, that season ended. Now they serve a purpose in your chapter of your life and then they shift. And is not a failure. That is just life. But some friendships are worth the awkward conversation. The honest check-in in the effort to repair what is got broken. The question you have to ask yourself is: Does this person still know me? Do they show up for me? Do I feel safe and seen in this relationship? And if the answer is yes, fight for it. And if the answer is not anymore, it might be time to grieve it and let it go. Now, I've had a couple of friendships that One ended for a brief period of time because it was words that were said were hurtful to that person from me. And was that went past and a mutual that we both knew knew both of us and actually encouraged me reach to ⁓ that friend and ⁓ That person said to me, You both need to have a conversation. and I think part of it was because they knew both of both of us and they may have like, you know, these are two people that I know have been friends for a long time and they need to a conversation. And thank God that we able to have a conversation and ⁓ to rectify that situation r and repair our friendship. But I will say, however, When you have situations that happen, your friendship does change. And I also wanna say that it changes because you and that friend are different. you've grown into something else. You may there may have been some maturity involved. And then other friend that I said that was like a root, ⁓ that I felt was a root to me in my life, there no closure or no I should say, because when I reached out that person to try to have a conversation, to try to fix situation, it wasn't receptive, wasn't received. And that's when I had to learn and that did hurt. And I had to learn that was the closure. I can say that as well. But, you know, I grieved it and I moved on. And I now that my life and that person's life, you know, are going on two different trajectories. And, know, a lot of people always say that cliche, well, you know, they weren't supposed to go with me and everything. I had to also think about not only is that person not supposed to go with you, but you're not supposed to go with that person. And that's a whole nother conversation. What I say about grief of a slow specifically There is something uniquely painful about grieving a friendship when there's no falling out, there's no fight and no clear ending, just silence, just a drift. And the hardest part is that you cannot even be mad about it in a straightforward way. You're just sad and sometimes confused. And missing someone who is very much alive and choosing not to be in your life. Give yourself permission to grieve. It is a real loss. Now, I want to flip it because losing friendships is real, but keeping the good ones take real effort too. been thinking about why it feels so much harder to maintain friendships in your 30s and 40s than when it did when you were younger. And I think it comes down to this. When we were in school, proximity did the work for us. you saw your friends every day. Friendship was automatic. Now ⁓ Everything is intentional or it falls apart. People have careers, they get have marriages, kids, distance, aging parents, health challenges. Life in this season is full. And the relationships that survive are the ones where both people choose each other consistently and not just when it's convenient. You know, I also want to say, in some instances, your friend circle gets smaller too. know, you may have had a whole bunch of friends, you know, like high school. You have gained friends if you went to college per se. Your friendship ⁓ circle may have changed, you know, and you may have lost friends college to adulthood because life just lifed, your friendship circle changes because you have kids. So now you're friends with ⁓ just strictly and, you know, other married people if you're a couple. So, you know, sometimes those dynamics play a big factor in your friendships. Now, what does a healthy adult friendship look like? It looks like, I think it looks like, mutual effort. Not necessarily equal in every moment because seasons in life shift, but mutual over time. It looks like feeling safe enough to be honest. It looks like able to pick back up, even life got busy and time has passed. It looks showing up when it matters and not just for fun. One thing I do intentionally to keep my friendships alive is I check in. Not just a hey, how are you text, a real check in, a voice message, a let's get on a call, because I know that if I do not make effort, time will pass, distance will grow, and one day I will realize that I let something precious slip through my hands. And what about you a friend? What about when you and a friend are growing at different speeds or in different directions? This is one of the most common reasons that friendships fade in our 30s and 40s. You're in therapy in a healing season and your friend's not there. You have changed your relationship with alcohol, and your friend's whole social life revolves it. You're in a faith forward season and your friend is deconstructing. Growth gaps are real. And they do not always mean the friendship is over, but they do require honest conversation and grace on both sides. A healthy conflict in relationship and Can we talk about this for a second? So many people would rather let a friendship quietly die than have one uncomfortable conversation. I have there. It feels safer to drift than to just say what is wrong. But avoiding conflict is not the same as keeping the peace. It is just delaying the loss. The friendships that last are the ones where both people feel safe enough to say, hey, something feels off. Can we talk? Let's talk about healing because grief without a clear ending still needs a path forward. Here is what I know for sure about healing from this kind of grief. It does not follow the same road as grieving a death. There is no standard timeline, no clear stages, no moment where the whole world acknowledges that something is over and that you are allowed to begin again. You have to give that permission to yourself. Healing from this kind of loss looks like making peace with the unanswered questions, with the conversations that have never happened, with the apologies that you may never receive. It looks like accepting that closure is something you're going to have to create for yourself, just as I spoke about earlier, because the other person may never give it to you. For me personally, therapy has been a lifeline in processing those kind of losses. Having a space to name the grief, to understand where it lives in my body, to untangle what is mine and what is not, that has been invaluable. And I really, really appreciate my therapist. Faith has also been an anchor. that God sees the full picture, even when I can only see a small piece of it. And community, the friends and people who show up and hold space that has mattered more than I can say. And you know, I just want to say, I my best friend, you know, my resident therapist, she been very instrumental, and I tell her all the time, you know, you're gonna have to charge my insurance because, you know, I do talk to her and I am so appreciative that God has blessed her with the gift of being a therapist because, you know, I'm gonna be honest, and she reminds me of my mom. ⁓ she's not gonna just be on my side. She definitely, you know, helps me to see like other perspectives. So I am definitely, definitely blessed in that perspective to have a friend like that who is very honest and real to me and you know and the way she delivers she delivers it in a way that I am receptive to of it you know so it's not like harsh or mean so I am definitely blessed for that and let's talk about forgiveness because it comes up in conversations about grief and estrangement and I want to be honest with you forgiveness does not do ⁓ not reconciliation and let's talk forgiveness because it always comes up in conversations about grief and estrangement and I want to be honest with you forgiveness does not do ⁓ not mean reconciliation Forgiveness does not mean that what happened was okay. And that was something I had to learn. Because I kept asking, I know family, like my mother in particular about the family member that I had an issue with. I was like, keep telling me to forgive and things. ⁓ And I was like it's okay. And my mother had to tell me, I'm not telling you it's okay, but you do need to forgive. And I had to learn that forgiveness was for me and not for that other person as well. Forgiveness not even require an apology. Forgiveness is something that you do for yourself to release the hold that unforgiveness has on your own peace, your own healing, and your own future. I also can say, too, from my own experience, that sometimes I think, especially from my perspective, when I was unforgiving, that I felt like that was a way for me to be ⁓ to myself. But it's heavy. Unforgiveness is heavy. So when people really say that forgiveness is truly for you, please believe that because unforgiveness is a too heavy of a load to be carrying. It even affects you in so many ways. You know, I'm just gonna say maybe even gives you wrinkles. don't want that unless, know, it's from you smiling. So forgiveness is for you. It truly is. It's to release the hold that unforgiveness has on your own peace, your own healing, and your own future. It is not a gift that you give to the person who hurts you. It's the gift that you give yourself. And the social media thing, I have to bring this up. Because so many of us are saying that we're healing and that we're checking on that person's profile at midnight. We looking at who they're we're who they are with and what they're doing and whether they look happy. And every time we do that, we reopen the womb. So, whatever boundaries you need to set with social media, ⁓ blocking, those are not petty moves. They are healing moves. Give yourself permission to do what you need to do to protect your peace. And finally, how do you keep your heart open ⁓ this type of loss? How do you not build a wall around yourself that keeps everybody out? I think you do it slowly, you do it carefully. You choose people intentionally, you trust your discernment, and you remind yourself that not every friendship, not every relationship, not every person is going to leave the same way. Some people are here to stay. Before we wrap up. I want to speak directly to the woman who is listening in the middle of this right now. If you're listening today and you're grieving someone who is still alive, a parent you no longer speak to, a best friend who became a stranger, a relationship that quietly ended without a goodbye, I want to speak directly to you. Now I said woman, but this could affect men as well. So if you are a man listening to the show, thank you for your support. Your grief is even without a funeral, even without anyone sending flowers, even without the world stopping to acknowledge your loss. What you lost is real. What you had was real. And the pain of losing it is real. You do not need anyone's permission to grieve. What I wish someone had told me when I was in the thick of this grief is that healing is not linear. Some days you will feel completely free and at peace. And some days, out of nowhere, a song, a smell, a random Tuesday will bring it all back like it just happened. That does not mean you're not healing. That just means you're human and that loss mattered. Give yourself permission to grieve what other people might not see as a real loss. You do not need to justify it. You do not need to explain it. You just need to feel it, process it, and slowly, let healing do what healing does. And if you're sitting with the question of whether to maintain Or release a friendship or a relationship right now. Here is the one thing I want to leave you with. yourself this. When I am with this person, or when I think about this person in my life, do I feel peace or do I feel dread? Peace is a sign. Dread is also a sign. Trust what you feel. You know more than what you think you do. Now, this conversation right here is exactly why I started this podcast. Because grief does not always look like a funeral. Sometimes it looks like an empty chair at Thanksgiving. Sometimes it looks like a friend's name you can no longer text. Sometimes it just looks just like a missing person who is very much still alive. If you are grieving someone today who is still walking this earth, A parent, a friend, a love that changed shape. I want you to know that your grief is valid, even without a casket, even without a goodbye, even without anyone understanding it the way you do. And to the people, man or woman, who has good friendships worth fighting for, call him or her today. Send a text. Make the effort. Not every relationship is meant to be grieved. Some are meant to be nurtured. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a man or woman who needs to hear it today. And while you're out at it, please leave us a review. You can follow us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube, and now Amazon Podcasts. And also subscribe so you never miss an episode. And as always, your seen, loved, and your grief in whatever form it takes is welcome here. u keep growing, girl. I'll see you on the next episode.